if you have ever been in a retail bicycle shop or better yet have worked at one you may find this piece wildly entertaining!
Whoo-hoo, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with
swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru. So yes, you've
noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to do some bike riding. Let's
keep in mind that the sun came out on all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're
not the only one who noticed. Please remember this when you walk into my shop on a
bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that
huffs "Why are there so many people here?" Are we all on the same page now about it
being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that
feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your
forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine,
and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier. SOME POINTERS
FOR THE PHONE: - I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell
over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how
long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down
to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I
will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is
downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down
here. - Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone
lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting
there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some
cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure
your shit out. -I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've
already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When
your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing
I've learned from you fucking squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike
could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it
with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure. - No, I don't know how much a
good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't
buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every
one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much". FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND
DO-IT-YOURSELFERS: - Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does.
I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense
is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small
for you to begin with into a comfort bike. - If some twat on some message board
somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for
a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me
on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart. - I love that you have the
enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however,
that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out
why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're
at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering fucking thing
anywhere near me. A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS: -If you shitheads had any
money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache
growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes
to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on. - Being made in the 80's may make
something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no
one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's shit. It was shit in the 80's, a
trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean
to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still shit, even with more air in the
tires. SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE: Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun,
it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.
-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows fuck all. Stop asking for his advice.
He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike
purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts
with you. - You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and
we both know it. - You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you
wouldn't be here, and we both know it. - So you want a bike that you can ride to work,
goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good
on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200
miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can
carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What
are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and
comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good. ABOUT YOUR KIDS: Your kids are amazing. Sure
are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never
see THAT around here. - I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike.
As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing
now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where
you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike. - Stop
being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold
the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from
*almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally
take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go.
Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks,
because sharks are FUCKING AWESOME. I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding
your kick-ass bike!
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lumenredundas's journal
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